fear and loathing
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Storytime! It was a rainy Seattle evening, circa 2009. I was on my way to my first ever solo aerial performance, at The Pink Door. Getting that job was audacious AF! I found it on craigslist (never underestimate craigslist, just exercise caution) and got the gig after a private audition with the owner, a magnificent human named Jackie. I was prepared. I knew what to do. I was well-trained, and an enthusiastic performer. I'd been on stage hundreds of times as a dancer. I knew how to costume, how to create dramatic ambience; I had a carefully chosen playlist and the skill to back it up. I was all dolled up with sparkley stage makeup, hauling my hoop and a rolly suitcase full of 4 costume changes over the cobblestones of downtown Seattle. I have never been so terrified in my entire life. It wasn't because I didn't belong, or couldn't hack the work, or didn't deserve it. I DID belong, I knew I was capable, and I knew I'd worked hard to get there. But the fear had me by the ribs, every step toward this dream opportunity felt like I was walking to an execution. I distinctly remember waiting at a red light to cross the street and thought "ooh maybe a bus will run over my foot or something, and I won't have to do this." Let's look at that....I was actively fantasizing about getting hurt so I wouldn't have to something that I had worked tirelessly for years to make happen. WTF?? It wasn't a lack of desire- I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew I was on my way to get it. Nothing is more terrifying than a dream coming true. Spoiler alert: the evening went beautifully. I worked there almost every week for the rest of my time in Seattle, over 4 years! It was an amazing way for an ambitious aerialist to cut her teeth. When I moved away, there were tearful goodbyes. I loved that gig, and it loved me back- for years. Why am I telling you this story? Because Fear is not a prophecy.My fear seemed certain I was walking towards doom. It was wrong. It was lying. Fear is an important physiological function. Sometimes it is very helpful, for example anytime a bear or a venomous snake is present, fear is appropriate and helpful. And sometimes it's just a big liar that is robbing you of a moment you worked really hard to arrive at. And THAT is annoying AF. You know, like when you're trying to make your dreams come true and you can't enjoy the moment because you're too busy theoretically shitting yourself. There are two things you could take away from this email... 1- you can burn that inscription on the inside of your skull for when you might need it 2- you can join me on July 8th for an hour long workshop, because I have stumbled across something amazing for dealing with high-pressure moments so that you can actually be present for them. It combined two of my favorite things: art and witchcraft. I'm calling it: It's taken me 9 years of mentoring over 400 artists to stumble over this technique, so I want to make it super affordable. It's $20, and you get the recording for life. We're going live:
I wish that young woman in Seattle had known how to do this, but it wasn't possible. I needed to live through that moment, and hundreds more. I needed to proverbially hold the hands of hundreds of artists trying like hell to live in a moment instead of dreading it. I wish I had known this earlier to give it to them. If I had known this- it wouldn't have changed the outcome of the evening. It still would have been a success. But I would have liked to have had the capacity to actually enjoy it at the beginning. I would have liked to have had a tool to comfort myself on that street corner, rather than morbidly hoping for a sudden injury. I didn't, but you can. I hope you'll join me. I'm here for any questions about it, just reply to this message. I read every response. Or you can just -
Fear is not a prophecy. Don't go back to sleep. xoRachel |